I’ve been asking myself what the hell is wrong with me.
I’m feeling rejected and dismissed.
In the last couple weeks, I had one person text me to tell me she felt judged by me and not safe with me. I had another person tell me our relationship can no longer be how it is currently, because we can’t mix business and relationship. There is a conflict of interest.
The commonality is I am the common denominator in my life.
So, of course, I am asking what the hell is wrong with me that:
a) people don’t want to be in relationship with me
b) I get dismissed with no actual conversation or ability to have it be any different.
c) I am not considered worthy enough to get messy with in the relationship so we could
grow through this together.
I feel like I’ve been kicked to the curb with no completion or closure to the relationship or circumstance that I’m a part of.
My feelings are all over the place and I begin questioning other things about myself as a result.
I decided I ought to get quiet with myself and meditate about this.
I ask spirit to help me see through spirit eyes the bigger purpose of these situations.
I also asked what my part is in these relationships.
Here’s what I saw in my meditation, I am a little girl screaming at my parents.
I am screamng at them: “why don’t I matter?” “why am I so unimportant that my feelings are not valuable?” “why did you treat me this way?”
My dad crossed last year, so I ask him “WHY?”
He said, “I didn’t know how to deal with your emotions.” “I still don’t”
I can see this is not about anything other than an opportunity for me to continue healing the deeper layers of wounding I experienced as a child.
It does not make these situations any different. They are still how they are right now.
However, I now have an opportunity to heal the little one that resides inside of me.
I get to console her and honor her feelings and make her feel like she matters.
This is my role today for me. Nobody else can make me feel these things. Nobody else can parent me now, I am an adult.
What I get to do is honor the little one and her feelings. I get to make her feel safe and valued. It is my responsibility to do this today.
I am rarely deeply upset over what I think I am. When I am triggered and reacting to the situation, it is an opportunity to look past appearances and blame (of them and me) and see what the deeper healing is.
This is part of the Journey Into Loving Yourself From the Inside Out.
It is also an opportunity to consider that possibly others are reacting out their own wounding. We are all people pushing our shopping carts full of unhealed wounds around and attempting to meet and have relationships through that mess of emotions/wounds.
We all have them, we are human. It’s what we do with them and how we honor our own process that can make a difference in the quality of our relationships with ourselves and others.
This is why I mentor coach others 1:1.
I get to help you make it a backpack, instead of a shopping cart.
IF YOU FIND VALUE IN THIS WRITING, PLEASE SHARE WITH OTHERS.
HELP ME GROW OUR COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE
on their journey into loving themselves from the inside out.