I have been noticing lately that each time I feel like I am making progress on the road to recovery from the latest relationship betrayal, something else shows up that feels like a set back.
I’ve been writing in previous blogs about a situation that no matter how many right things I did in that relationship, it still, ultimately, wasn’t good enough.
I have come to realize that no matter what it was, it was NEVER going to be good enough in their eyes. If it hadn’t been what happened, something else would have been not good enough, because that is their pattern.
The fallout of this kind of DEEP wound trigger is I am currently waiting for the other shoe to drop from someone else around me.
This struck a DEEP wound for me. It is a lifetime of programming of not being good enough; from parenting to culture to self-inflicted habits.
Healing is happening. This programming of not being good enough is on overdrive at the moment though.
This is what you need to know, I will find whatever evidence I am looking for.
No matter what someone says, I can make it mean “I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.
They may have given me a compliment and my programming CAN kick in and make it mean “I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.
Instead of hearing the actual words, I get caught in the pattern repeating all the ways I’m not good enough. My programming will tweak it to be something completely different than what they said or meant.
For example, I was critiqued on a video I made. It was so much better than the 1st two I made. (Did you catch that? It is video #3)
The person offering the feedback felt something was still missing and a few other things.
She also acknowledged how much better it was and gave her impression of my delivery.
I’m doing these particular videos to receive this kind of feedback to improve my delivery of my personal message. This was the 3rd time and I am expecting “perfection”.
Now, I am pissed off because it is still NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I gave her feedback meaning based on my programming from my past.
No matter what she said, I would have found something to validate the deep wound of I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
It feels like I am just getting some healing and traction on the way out of the pit of that wound and someone else says something that I gave the same meaning to. This keeps me in the cycle of that repetitive programming.
Can you see the endless cycle?
Can you see how it relates to what I said in the beginning about the other person would have found another thing that wasn’t good enough?
I’m doing the same thing to myself.
Here is some things I am doing different NOW:
1- Hear the words for what they are.
2- Know that people have their own programming too (she is critiquing based on her perception).
3- Take it as information ONLY.
4- Consider if I can see or hear what she is seeing and hearing.
5- Understand the deeper wound is triggered and I don’t have to interpret from the wound.
6- Shift my focus to look for evidence that supports THE TRUTH about me.
The truth is:
I AM GOOD ENOUGH
I AM MAKING PROGRESS
I AM HEALING
I AM LOVED
What is the truth about you?
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