Do you ever wonder why people stay the same?
Many people speak about changing. We act like it’s a great idea and easy to do. We convince ourselves we’ve changed or are making changes, when the truth is it takes more than mere words to do something different with ourselves and our behaviors. It takes more than thinking and talking about it.
Doing anything different starts with being willing to look inside of ourselves and deciding if how we are is effective and working in our world. Sometimes it requires someone pointing out to us how we show up in our lives. Other times it requires us getting really honest with ourselves. It can even require asking for help, because we don’t know how to do something different.
For much of my life I attempted changing to make others happy or, at least, what I thought would make them happy. When you approved of me, then, I was okay with me.
I called it “pretzelizing” myself to be whatever I interpreted about you, in my twisted version of myself, to be what I thought you wanted or expected of me.
I made up in my mind what I thought you wanted me to be or expected of me and, then, made myself into a pretzel to accomodate YOU, while compromising myself.
TRULY, this was never about you.
This pretzelizing came out of my programming and thinking that I must be what I thought you expected of me. I must contort myself to manipulate you to like me. When you appeared to like me, this validated my worth. I also made it mean I am enough. Therefore, I would tell you whatever “you wanted to hear” to get what I needed from you. This would, hopefully, lead you to believe I was making changes. Really, I was keeping the peace at any cost and, hopefully, getting your approval too.
When you weren’t around I would simply do and be whatever it is I was doing and being. When I was with someone else I was behaving the same way toward them, so they would like me, even if it meant throwing you under the bus. This leads to all kinds of other stuff that kept me in the loop of denial about me and approval from you (in my mind).
My insides and outsides DID NOT match. My words and actions were mismatched, because I had no idea how to make significant, effective or lasting changes. I learned very well from early on to manipulate and lie to get what I wanted. It was how I survived to get my “needs” met. Today, I understand I was simply surviving.
It took many years and recovery to understand and begin to make any lasting changes and differences in my life. First, I began to look at me on the inside and see how empty and unfulfilled I was. Second, I began to go to people who had some way of being that I wanted to be. Third, I, begrudgingly, followed directions given.
This took time, commitment and willingness to stay the course.
What I know today, is people often don’t change because it is easier to stay the same. People are more afraid of changing than doing something different. Maybe knowing this can help us have more understanding and compassion. When we look in the mirror and remember how challenged we’ve been, we’ll love them through and accept that we each have our own journey.
The road is twisted and curvy and takes many tangents off course. When we stay consistent and committed we make progress. Sometimes we utilize someone that has gone before us to help guide us along the way, which is why I became a coach. I am here to help guide you on this inside journey of reprogramming the self-talk and learning how to love yourselves from the inside out.
Today, I am transparent and the same everywhere. I continue the journey inside and reprogramming the self-talk that no longer serves me. I live in the happy places today and the reprogramming has become less and less. I am certain it is a life long journey to stay the course and I get to be here for you on your journey…
It takes courage to JUST BEGIN…
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