I have been in my stuff around this life circumstance that happenend a few weeks ago.
I keep processing and feeling the hurt and anger. I realize I am grieving the loss of a person I respected and honored.
The relationship will never be the same.
Today, I have become willing to look in the mirror and inquire about what I see.
I am quick to anger when I feel hurt. I think it will protect me from feeling the pain.
We each have our own mechanism that gets triggered when life happens. (I’m referring to the triggers that cause us pain.)
When the pain is touched, we react in a way that is familiar and comfortable. It is often unconcious, we may only know we are reacting in that familiar comfortable way. What we may not understand is the reaction is happening to protect me from feeling the pain that was touched.
If we can move beyond the reaction and feel the pain behind it, we have an opportunity to heal.
My anger is always protecting me from feeling the hurt. Today I can look past the anger and know that I am hurt.
Anger is my default emotion. It is how I react when I am deeply hurt now.
It is significantly less often today, but when it is a deep wound and that deeper layer gets touched, it reminds me it is still there protecting me from feeling the pain.
Today, I can look at the pain. I can allow myself to feel it. It does not mean I like it or enjoy feeling it.
It means I am willing because I know this is how I get to heal it.
The pain that was triggered for me ONE MORE TIME was “NO MATTER HOW MUCH GOOD I HAVE DONE, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH!!!”
All at once, I was the little kid in trouble for not living up to someone else’s expectations.
As a result, I have run the gammut of emotions. I have doubted and questioned myself all over again. I have been pissed at myself for feeling hurt, for feeling angry, for feeling sad. I get to give myself permission to FEEL IT ALL.
I get to console the little child that still lives inside of me. I get to be the one that helps her move beyond the pain and heal.
I get give love to myself as the salve that heals the wounding from so long ago.
This is progress. I choose to live moving forward and healing the wounds that are revealed and still require healing.
There is nothing we can do until we are willing to acknowledge the pain behind the protective barrier that shows up in our behaviors.
What is your behavior that is protecting your pain?
What are you willing to do to heal the pain?