I went to the post office to mail a package. I forgot my phone at home, I realize that, but forgot it had the address I needed.
Once I realize I don’t have the address, I am instantly outraged. I am ready to go COMPLETELY POSTAL (on myself). I get in the car and begin cussing myself out for being so stupid. It’s okay, no one can hear me. ONLY ME. ONLY THE LITTLE ONE that lives inside of me. She’s cowering in the corner somewhere until I’m done cussing myself out.
I’m still doing it as I write this post. My fingers get dyslexic and I continue screaming at myself. It’s a litany of bull shit I have heard over the years. How can you be so stupid? How did you forget the address? I took time out to go to the PO, only to realize I didn’t have what I needed. Amidst all my screaming at me, my language is laced with as many swear words as I can muster and even those aren’t strong enough.
I’ve been noticing some anger bubbling to the surface, since a person I thought I was exempt from certain behaviors from blasted me a couple weeks ago. (see EXPECTATIONS AND EXEMPTIONS). The symptoms of anger for me are I hear myself saying the “F” word quite frequently over little stuff. When I clue in, my “F” bombs are warnings that my anger is surfacing. You see, I thought I was special unique and different in this relationship. I thought we were close and confided in each other. I thought I was ABOVE being treated that way, even though I had heard her speak of many others the same way.
My anger finally erupted today over something seemingly small. So what, I forgot my phone. I only live 5 minutes from the PO.
In the 5 minute drive home, I begin asking myself why I am so angry over this situation?
I AM NOT REALLY ANGRY ABOUT EITHER SITUATION.
I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF.
I am angry because I didn’t see it coming a couple weeks ago, even though the evidence was VERY CLEAR throughout our relationsip.
I am angry at myself for taking it so personal. Logic says it is another opportunity to grow, which I am a fan of. However, I don’t always enjoy the process.
I also realized we both thought we were special. And her interpretation of the gift and lack of public recognition made her feel small and unimportant. (this is my interpretation). How I think I treated her and her perception of it are very different.
This is human-ness at its finest. We all have perceptions and interpretations of how we are and how others are. When we get triggered by something it is an opportunity to look at ourselves and how we think we are showing up.
The bottom line is: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS RIGHT!!!!!
Given our perception and interpretation of our world each one of us is absolutely RIGHT.
Here is the ever cliche question: Do I have to make you wrong, so I can be right? Can I simply allow us to have differing opinions and accept we are each right given our experience of the world?
It doesn’t matter that I think what she said to me is complete BS. It is her opinion (her truth) about how she felt as a result of my behavior.
I can’t change it, but now maybe I can move on. Thanks for listening to my eruption and process of another layer of my anger.
How do you deal with people that have different perceptions of you than your own perception?