I have come to realize that I thought I was exempt from certain behaviors of someone I called a friend and mentor. In my interaction with her, I listened to her speak of others in what I called informative ways (today I might call it gossipy). These conversations were not always nice in content. I listened and rolled with it. I listened to her perception of situations that occurred in her world. I heard how she spoke of others and her thoughts and interpretations about how they treated her.
All the while, thinking I am someone special. I’ve become somewhat of a confidant. I have come to realize it doesn’t matter what I think. What happened revealed I am none of that.
Today, I can see I am simply another one in the stream of her life. I have become the same as the people she spoke to me of. I am not special. I am not expempt from this behavior. I got lumped into the same category as everyone else when I pushed the right button.
I thought my communication was clean and clear. In my mind, I had been respectful. I had acknowledged what she means and how she helped me. I had given her gifts of appreciation along the way.
In my mind, our relationship was special and different. I was special, because she confided in me. Well, that may have been true, until I pushed the pain button others had pushed. AND I didn’t even know I pushed it.
Then, I am told I was completely disrespectful. I used her. And a whole litany of other stuff that left me feeling like a piece of shit.
My own button is the one of: I didn’t do it right. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t do enough. It must be my fault and I must have done something wrong, since she is my mentor. If it is all my fault, I can fix it…
Until she told me her “truth”, I didn’t even know I had done something “wrong”.
I was honored and proud of what I had done. I gave a gift that I put A LOT of thought and consideration, only to be told it wasn’t good enough….
I grew up thinking I was exempt from certain behaviors from people. They were confiding in me. They don’t do these things to me. I am special to them and we have a different relationship.
This is NOT TRUE. When I push the same hot button, I receive the same treatment. I am not exempt from their behaviors. I touched something that caused her pain. It is probably a VERY OLD deep wound that has not healed.
She touched a deeper layer of my pain of the same old story about “I’m not good enough”….
Logic tells me it is her issue. My heart says this sucks and it is painful.
What is causing me pain is my attachment to what I thought our relationship meant. It is the grief over the loss of someone I thought was my friend and well as my mentor.
I don’t know where our relationship will go from here. I am continuing to recover from the shock and pain I feel.
Truly, I want to lash out and just cut her out of my life. I know that this kind of situation will happen again if I don’t heal the pain that is here to be healed.
This is the cycle of relationships. We continue creating the same kind of relationships over and over, until the original pain is healed.