I decided to clear my space by cancelling a call I had scheduled. I cancelled because I was not in a good space to have a conversation with ‘this person’. I didn’t know if I could be kind when I still felt hurt by our last conversation. I also didn’t feel safe to enter into a dialogue with ‘this person’.
I called someone I trust to run this by her, because I was still having some doubts in myself. She reminded me to listen to my heart and it was good to honor myself and where I am at in this process. I am continuing to honor my own journey into loving myself from the inside out.
My friend said to me she wondered what would open up and shift as a result of opening my space by cancelling the call.
Well, the very next day…
3 things happened because I trusted my friend and listened to her remind me to trust myself.
1) The first thing was during a conversation with another friend. She was reminding me of my own greatness and the difference I’ve made in her world and others. In essence, she was giving me back my own medicine.
During this conversation I experienced a visual of ‘this person’ I felt so hurt by becoming my parent. It was the deeper layers of hurt and criticsm rising to the surface to be healed.
Intellectually I knew it was NOT about ‘this person’, but until I could fully see or feel it in my bones, I still felt angry and blamed ‘this person’. They simply had a different face than my parents.
2) I was listening to someone speak about relapsing. As I listened I had this “AHA” moment, I relapse on my RAGE AND ANGER. I understand the emotion of anger. The relapse is the intense deep RED RAGE I feel and I have no control over it. I just become an ass hole and it comes out sideways.
Now I can catch the cues that the anger is there simmering under the surface and I can take care of it BEFORE it erupts.
3) Another person was speaking about taking her own inventory. DING DING DING.
I realized (and had a visual) that ‘this person’ dumped her shit in my hula hoop on my side of the street. I NOT ONLY stepped in the shit, I picked it up and smelled and, then, smeared it all over myself and wore it like a badge of honor.
I made sure to take a shower and wash it all off.
The point of all of this is to HONOR YOUR PROCESS. If you’re not sure of what to do or how to handle something, speak to someone you trust to guide you.
Those 3 insights on the same day, what an extraordinary occurence.
As a result, I have experienced deeper layers of healing the little one that lives inside me.
I can let go of the blame, anger and victim mentality now.
I get to remember:
I AM ENOUGH.