What and who I am attracting is ALWAYS about the energy I am putting out into the universe.
IT IS NOT about the words I use. It is about the energy I carry behind the words.
When there are no words spoken, it is about the energy or possibly attitude I am holding in my body.

In this writing I’m speaking to when things feel off and learning how to trust and listen to our intuition.

My ex-husband used to tell me to stop yelling at him.
I thought I was speaking in a normal voice. When he’d say that, I’d yell at him “THIS IS YELLING”.
I finally came to realize no matter what words I was using or the tone of my voice, on the inside I WAS SCREAMING at him.
He was getting the angry screaming energy behind the words, no matter how softely spoken.

People get our energy first and we get their’s first. Before any words are ever spoken, and then,
when we/they speak and our words don’t match our energy, people feel that.
(You know, the people that smile with their mouth only, not their eyes, or the ones that speak with disinterest).
You may not know this is happening, you may only know something doesn’t feel quite right.
Many of us can be and are oblivious, so don’t even register something is askew.
Maybe it doesn’t matter to us or we don’t want to know.

Those of us that are sensitive to our environment always know when something feels off,
even though we may not know exactly what or why.
Life is ALL about energy. EVERYTHING is energy. It may look solid, but science proves it is ALL energy.
It is energy that is vibrating fast or slow depending on the density of the thing.

Since it is all energy, it is super important that we learn to trust our instincts and intuition when it is telling us something. This is where it is good to know what it feels like when your intuition is actively engaged, which BTW, is always.
These intuitive feelings could come for any reason, heavy or light situations, depending how yours operates.

Here are some of the ways it can be attempting to get your attention:
~feeling a heaviness
~skin prickles or crawling
~”I just know something”
~a sensation about them or the environment
~feelings that you “suddenly” feel (anger, sad, irritated)
~funny feeling in your gut

I’m certain you know people you feel completely drained by when you spend time with them.
You know the ones: the complainers, the drama peeps, the ones that are always negative and focused on the problem.
We walk away from the interaction with them and feel exhausted or drained, and wonder what the hell just happened?

There are those that you may or may not interact with and yet you feel something about them that you can’t quite articulate what it is or why you feel that way about them.

When you feel something, it is important to observe HOW your intuition lets you know.
Often we get into the place of allowing our mind to dismiss what we’re feeling or we fall into the trap of not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings by changing the subject or walking away.
Simply observe what is happening, even if you have no words to articulate what it is.
NEVER DISMISS IT, even if you just park it on the back burner.

I have met people and I get a feeling about them. I have no words for it, but something is “not right”.
I don’t always have the words to say what I’m sensing, I’m sensing something though.

I met someone right after my dad died last year, I immediately didn’t like him.
I tried telling myself it was because I was clouded with grief and my feelings are off.
I have since learned that he is quite emotionally abusive to my friend that is in relationship with him.

I parked the knowing on the back burner and simply loved and supported her through this.
The evidence eventually revealed itself.

This is not always the case, but eventually there is something that confirms my intution is accurate.
I had a situation that was confirmed a few years later.
Sometimes, I hope my intuition is incorrect and this latest one was one of those situations.

Now that you have some idea of how yours speaks to you around people, what do you do about it.
1-LISTEN TO IT
2-TRUST IT
3-DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT IT
4-PRAYER WORKS TO CHANGE THE CONVERSATION THAT IS HEAVY OR NEGATIVE
5-PUT A BUBBLE OF WHITE LIGHT AROUND YOURSELF
6-IMAGINE A GLASS PARTITION BETWEEN YOU AND THE OTHER PERSON
7-CHANGE THE TOPIC
8-WALK AWAY FROM THE PERSON OR SITUATION
9-ASK THEM WHAT THEY WANT FROM YOU ie: listening, feedback, venting to you.
10-ASK IF THEY WANT A SOLUTION (especially if it is a repeat topic/conversation)
11-IF THEY WANT NO SOLUTION, it is perfectly okay to let them know you no longer are interested in having this conversation.

When you enter into an environment and you feel it is weird, you can use many of the tools listed above.
AND…
Feel free to leave.
Say a prayer for the space to be cleared.
Put a bubble around yourself, setting the intention for positive energy only to be allowed in your space.

There are many tips and tools to utilize to honor yourself and your intuitive abilities.
These are a few of the ones that work for me and continue to work for me.

I’ve been struggling to formulate and write what I feel inspired to share.
It is simply not flowing easily.

I have started 2 different writings and I am finding it difficult to get in my groove of flowing clearly and articulating what I want to say.

I am thinking it is because I have some stuff showing up around the actual leaving the business in Modesto.
I feel excited to fully plant my roots here in Lincoln, CA. and I am terrified to make the jump and have no real financial security.
This is stirring up all kinds of different feelings about JUMPING and taking the risk.

No matter what all the evidence has shown me over the years, I still have fear of leaving something that has been my primary income for the last 5 years. It has not been my only source as I’ve begun building my business here in Lincoln, but I have been quite reluctant to put all my eggs in this basket.

I’ve been on the fence about building a massage business, because my heart lies in the coaching and mentoring people.
I did take the leap and hire a coach last January to get moving on the business side of the coaching.
I did that with the goal of being able to stop driving to Modesto every month.
NOW, it is here and it feels like it is the right time and I become gripped by this terror
and anxiety I cannot even begin to explain.

I see the evidence and logic of my whole life and yet, when I give any thought to
leaving I feel my heart rate rise and my chest becomes constricted.

These are the a few of the beliefs showing up: (I’m sure there are more)
1- I must take care of myself, which I can’t say I’ve ever fully done 100% of the time anyway.
2- I must keep the secure job and money flow.
3- I don’t have what it takes to really be successful.

This is all from how I was parented and the generation my parents came from.
AAAALLLL the evidence in my WHOLE LIFE shows me that those beliefs are all B.S. and NOT true.

It is clear to me that I get to keep stepping into the tools and skills I’ve been implementing over the years. These very things I mentor and coach others to utilize.
It’s crazy how when I’m in the midst of my own stuff I forget the very things I’ve been taught to use.

One of mine is writing, which is why I’m sharing this with you.
I get to trust the evidence that has been repeatedly shown and STOP telling the Universe to give me more, because what I’ve seen so far is not enough. Keep showing me more… I need more, it’s not enough yet (if I stay here, It will never be enough).

This is what most of us do to ourselves and others when we aren’t willing to trust and have faith it will come together.
I judge my judgment of where I think I should be. This is what I mentor coach others on, so I should be beyond this.
Well, the human factor still plays into this life and as far as I have come, I continue to get tripped up and, then, I consciously choose to dive deeper into my own reprogramming and healing journey.

Here’s what I am doing to move forward and keep the flow going:
1- I am writing about it.
2- I am talking to people I trust and I’m willing to receive their support.
3- I am making a plan about how to move closer to my goal.
4- I am praying to be aligned in the flow and taking the inspired action to move forward.
5- I am TAKING THE LEAP OF FAITH.
6- I am TRUSTING THE EVIDENCE.

How do you talk yourself off the ledge?
What are the actions you take to keep moving forward?

PLEASE COMMENT AND SHARE.

Do you ever wonder why people stay the same?

Many people speak about changing. We act like it’s a great idea and easy to do. We convince ourselves we’ve changed or are making changes, when the truth is it takes more than mere words to do something different with ourselves and our behaviors. It takes more than thinking and talking about it.

Doing anything different starts with being willing to look inside of ourselves and deciding if how we are is effective and working in our world. Sometimes it requires someone pointing out to us how we show up in our lives. Other times it requires us getting really honest with ourselves. It can even require asking for help, because we don’t know how to do something different.

For much of my life I attempted changing to make others happy or, at least, what I thought would make them happy. When you approved of me, then, I was okay with me.
I called it “pretzelizing” myself to be whatever I interpreted about you, in my twisted version of myself, to be what I thought you wanted or expected of me.
I made up in my mind what I thought you wanted me to be or expected of me and, then, made myself into a pretzel to accomodate YOU, while compromising myself.

TRULY, this was never about you.

This pretzelizing came out of my programming and thinking that I must be what I thought you expected of me. I must contort myself to manipulate you to like me. When you appeared to like me, this validated my worth. I also made it mean I am enough. Therefore, I would tell you whatever “you wanted to hear” to get what I needed from you. This would, hopefully, lead you to believe I was making changes. Really, I was keeping the peace at any cost and, hopefully, getting your approval too.

When you weren’t around I would simply do and be whatever it is I was doing and being. When I was with someone else I was behaving the same way toward them, so they would like me, even if it meant throwing you under the bus. This leads to all kinds of other stuff that kept me in the loop of denial about me and approval from you (in my mind).

My insides and outsides DID NOT match.  My words and actions were mismatched, because I had no idea how to make significant, effective or lasting changes. I learned very well from early on to manipulate and lie to get what I wanted. It was how I survived to get my “needs” met. Today, I understand I was simply surviving.

It took many years and recovery to understand and begin to make any lasting changes and differences in my life. First, I began to look at me on the inside and see how empty and unfulfilled I was. Second, I began to go to people who had some way of being that I wanted to be. Third, I, begrudgingly, followed directions given.

This took time, commitment and willingness to stay the course.

What I know today, is people often don’t change because it is easier to stay the same. People are more afraid of changing than doing something different.  Maybe knowing this can help us have more understanding and compassion. When we look in the mirror and remember how challenged we’ve been, we’ll love them through and accept that we each have our own journey.

The road is twisted and curvy and takes many tangents off course. When we stay consistent and committed we make progress. Sometimes we utilize someone that has gone before us to help guide us along the way, which is why I became a coach. I am here to help guide you on this inside journey of reprogramming the self-talk and learning how to love yourselves from the inside out.

Today, I am transparent and the same everywhere. I continue the journey inside and reprogramming the self-talk that no longer serves me. I live in the happy places today and the reprogramming has become less and less. I am certain it is a life long journey to stay the course and I get to be here for you on your journey…

It takes courage to JUST BEGIN…

Check out the weekly calls. They are all recorded and you can attend LIVE every Wednesday. It is a different topic each week.

What would you like to know more about?

What are you doing different today?

PLEASE COMMENT AND SHARE.

 

As much as I want to tell you I TRUST myself and the gifts or intuitive messages I recieve ALL the time, I’d be lying.
I get these intuitive hits or insights about something or someone and I have no evidence to back it up or prove to myself I am receiving accurate messages, so I either dismiss it or question myself, which then, creates doubt.

In the midst of the dismissing or doubting, I park that insight on the back burner and wait to see if the evidence reveals itself. Sometimes it does, other times, I am out of the situation or relationship before it becomes clear. This too creates doubt, even though, I tell myself something different.

There are times that it is absolutely 100% LOUD AND CLEAR. My intuition is screaming at me. These messages are harder to dismiss, because it is so clear. I had a client one time that totally 100% creeeped me out. I had no reason why, he’d never done anything to show me otherwise. About the 3rd time I massaged him, I could barely finish the massage, because I felt so uncomfortable. I called and fired him. My reason was I could not provide the services he needed. (I didn’t want him to think I was crazy, you know). I never had evidence for this one, but the feeling for me was palpable and I could not dismiss it…

It’s the subtler places, like in conversation with someone.
I wrote last time about someone not wanting to be in a friendship with me because business and friendship didn’t mix. My BS-o’meter was off the hook. It felt off and I had no reason to truly doubt what they were “saying” to me. I wanted to believe the words but they were not ringing true. In the midst of this process, I had the niggle of doubt about myself in the back of my mind.

However, I had a thought float through as my BS-o’meter is going off.

It went like this: “I wonder if it was about this particular conversation we had had previously.”
I had asked about a situation I saw them engaged in and the response about it was clearly denial.
However, I didn’t have evidence of that at the time.

Now, 2 weeks or so later, I have a conversation with this person and it is revealed that my BS-o’meter (my intuition) was accurate. My line of questioning that they denied, was, in fact, accurate. They thought I would be judgmental if they told the truth.
AND SO, it is confirmed. My intuition was accurate. Now I have the evidence.

You see, the energy (our intuition) NEVER lies. It is me that lies to myself in what I’m receiving.
WHY? You might be asking, do we do this to ourselves?

Most of us have not been taught to trust ourselves. When we had these feelings or insights, they were usually dismissed by our parental figures. They are also quickly dismissed by our friends when we “know” something and make inquiries about it.
We probably heard things like: “you’re too sensitve”, “You’re making that up”, “how can you know that?” “you don’t know what you’re talking about”, OR we were told what, when and how to feel our feelings.

ALL of which causes us to distrust our own birth right abilites and gifts. Yes, today I am telling you they are gifts and we get to learn how to utilize them.
When we begin this journey inside and into loving ourselves from the inside out, it can take significant amounts of reprogramming and unlearning much, if not all, of what we were taught as children.

Our parents or guardians were not taught how to trust their own intuition. We can only teach what we know, until we learn something else.
Many of our parents came from a survival mentatlity, because that is what was required of them. As a result, they are passing along their survival skills and gifts.
Intuition and feelings were not taught as trustworthy methods, we were taught to ONLY rely on our survival skills and take care of ourselves.

When we begin this inside journey of reprogramming, we seek evidence and confirmation to let us know we are on track.

What am learning today is if I am still relying on it exclusively, then, I am going to continue living in distrust of myself. I will always be seeking validation from outside of myself, which inevitably leads to mistrusting me.
I am learning to appreciate the validation and confirmation without relying on it to build this trust in myself.

It is such a process. My learning to trust myself began with reprogramming the messages that taught me to dismiss myself and my feelings. I sought out the evidence to prove to myself that I was right and my intuition was accurate. Now, I trust my gifts of intuition MORE often than not. When I get confirmation, it is simply that.

It has taken time, patience, discipline and commitment to do something different. I love being able to write and share with you in hopes that it helps you get through your process maybe a little quicker. Possibly it is the validation you needed to know too.

If you need more than this, please reach out. I am available for a complimentary 1 hour session to see if we are a good fit and this is a journey your are ready for. Maybe you know you are ready now, I am also available for 1:1 mentor coaching. And I host a mentor group that runs for 6 weeks at a time.

PLEASE SHARE and help me reach the people that this could help.

 

I posted the other day about feelings of being dismissed and feeling incomplete in the conversation with the ending of certain relationships in my life.

Through meditating I realized that it is the wound of the inner child being touched… again… the deeper layers having an opportunity to heal more.

A day or so later, I had another realization about these situations.
These people said something about why they were ending the relationship and something in me just couldn’t let it rest.
I think I’m mentally masterbating over it when really I’m feeling the “offness” of the reasons they gave.

You see, I am highly intuitive and empathic. This means I can read people and feel their emotional state and I KNOW when I am being bull shitted or lied to. The issue for me comes when I don’t trust it or I dismiss it and listen to the words, because I want to believe what they are telling me.

I want to believe their words, when their actions are saying something totally different and not matching their actions.
We are often told to watch a persons actions, they speak louder than their words. It is most often true.

Most of my life I listened to the words, because it was what I told myself I wanted to hear.
Inevitably, I believed the words and wondered why I was left feeling like I did something wrong, when the actions were telling me something different all along.
AND, let me be very clear here, I lived this way (NOT walking my talk) UNTIL I began knowing myself and trusting my own intuition.

It’s been what feels like a very long journey into loving myself from the inside out and I continue on the journey, because clearly, I still doubt myself at times.
I’m still learning to trust my intuition and empathic abilities.

This time what came to me was what the words said at the conclusion of our relationship, is BS.
It is not the whole truth and beyond this, I don’t need to know. I think I need to know or I’ll feel better if I know. I won’t…
And more than that is they may not even know or realize it themselves yet, the truth about why they felt it necessary to end it.

I am continuing to let it go. I remind myself we each have our own journey.
People come into our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime…
There is ALWAYS a higher purpose I may not know yet, if ever. Sometimes, I know in hindsite…

When the doubt comes:
~I look for all the evidence that reminds me I can trust myself and the messages I recieve intuitively and empathically.
~I remember I have never been steered wrong.
~When I didn’t listen, I quickly learned my intuition was accurate.
~I check in with people I trust and that know me well, they help me see a different perspective.

I have learned to coach myself, which is helpful when I am mentally masterbating over something.

PLEASE share these writings and help me reach more people, especially if you find value in what you read.

How do you shift your perspective when you are in doubt?

I’ve been asking myself what the hell is wrong with me.
I’m feeling rejected and dismissed.

In the last couple weeks, I had one person text me to tell me she felt judged by me and not safe with me. I had another person tell me our relationship can no longer be how it is currently, because we can’t mix business and relationship. There is a conflict of interest.

The commonality is I am the common denominator in my life.
So, of course, I am asking what the hell is wrong with me that:
a) people don’t want to be in relationship with me
b) I get dismissed with no actual conversation or ability to have it be any different.
c) I am not considered worthy enough to get messy with in the relationship so we could
grow through this together.

I feel like I’ve been kicked to the curb with no completion or closure to the relationship or circumstance that I’m a part of.

My feelings are all over the place and I begin questioning other things about myself as a result.

I decided I ought to get quiet with myself and meditate about this.
I ask spirit to help me see through spirit eyes the bigger purpose of these situations.
I also asked what my part is in these relationships.

Here’s what I saw in my meditation, I am a little girl screaming at my parents.
I am screamng at them: “why don’t I matter?” “why am I so unimportant that my feelings are not valuable?” “why did you treat me this way?”

My dad crossed last year, so I ask him “WHY?”
He said, “I didn’t know how to deal with your emotions.” “I still don’t”

I can see this is not about anything other than an opportunity for me to continue healing the deeper layers of wounding I experienced as a child.
It does not make these situations any different. They are still how they are right now.
However, I now have an opportunity to heal the little one that resides inside of me.
I get to console her and honor her feelings and make her feel like she matters.

This is my role today for me. Nobody else can make me feel these things. Nobody else can parent me now, I am an adult.
What I get to do is honor the little one and her feelings. I get to make her feel safe and valued. It is my responsibility to do this today.

I am rarely deeply upset over what I think I am. When I am triggered and reacting to the situation, it is an opportunity to look past appearances and blame (of them and me) and see what the deeper healing is.

This is part of the Journey Into Loving Yourself From the Inside Out.

It is also an opportunity to consider that possibly others are reacting out their own wounding. We are all people pushing our shopping carts full of unhealed wounds around and attempting to meet and have relationships through that mess of emotions/wounds.

We all have them, we are human. It’s what we do with them and how we honor our own process that can make a difference in the quality of our relationships with ourselves and others.

This is why I mentor coach others 1:1.
I get to help you make it a backpack, instead of a shopping cart.

IF YOU FIND VALUE IN THIS WRITING, PLEASE SHARE WITH OTHERS.
HELP ME GROW OUR COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE
on their journey into loving themselves from the inside out.

I’ve been thinking about what we call normal in our lives today.
There are many things even in my lifetime that were NOT considered normal when I was growing up.
I remember hearing my parents saying about my generation similar things that I say today about the current generation.

Holy smokes! I have become them. I said I would never do what they did or said.
Sound familiar?

There are so many things we “nomralize” in our life today based on what we learned and were conditioned to as children.
I’m speaking to the internal dialogue we have with ourselves. It is what we know from childhood.

We look around us and what is happening in the world. We wonder how this has come to be the way it is.
It appears to be unacceptable. Things like the rheotric spewed on T.V., from politicians to news casters.
This generation we call millenials and the age of technology. The emotional abuse of our programs we watch on the TV.
The bullying, the destruction of the planet…

You get the idea.
My point here is, what we are witnessing and judging out there is the exact thing we do to ourselves on the inside.
I’m inviting us to consider what we judge or have an opinion of about “them” is the same, or the very least, similar to the dialogue we speak about ourselves.

This is one way it becomes normalized. We may have a staunch view and opinion of what is happening in the world, but:
a) what are we doing about it?
b) maybe we have strong feelings about what is going on and nothing changes with no action taken.
c) we figure it is just how it is, what can we do about it, we are powerless to make any changes.
d) if we don’t look, it isn’t really happening OR it will resolve itself.

This is what we do to what is happening in the world around us.
Consider what we do to our internal self.

When we are raised and are taught to not feel or what is acceptable to feel, this becomes NORMAL to us.
Many of us come from a generation of people that learned how to survive and they taught us those survival traits.
It is what we know, what we’ve been taught and what we have learned.

Until we are willing to look and do something different, it remains the same and we call it NORMAL.
We’ve been programmed to accept the unacceptable.
We’ve carried our wounds from generation to generation, including our cultural generations.

It is time for us to stop being okay with things that are not okay.
When we begin to make the internal changes for how we treat ourselves, when we begin to heal the generational wounding.
When we heal ourselves we can then make bigger healing ripples in the world.

Now, this is a tall order. I’m suggesting we heal our wounds and the world around us also begins to heal.
It begins in our internal world and the ripple effect carries outward to the world around us in ways we don’t always see.

Here’s one way to begin this process:
Pay attention to what you call normal. When something happens that you dismiss as normal become mindful of what you feel about it.
There is almost always something being ignored inside that is telling you this requires me to be different toward it.
The normal may be numbing out, getting angry, becoming silent, pretending it is not really happening, being judgmental…
When those “normal” reactions show up, get curious about yourself. Pause and feel what is beneath “normal”. It is probably going to feel pretty uncomfortable in the moment, because you are NOT used to feeling what is really going on inside.

Simply feel the feeling and acknowledge the feeling. You don’t have to do anything about the feeling, yet.
Just begin with feeliing it, let that be enough. It takes courage to feel the feelings that have denied for however long they’ve been denied them and called normal.

Let them reveal to you your own feelings about what is real for you.
Begin with that. I’ll write more about where to continue going within yourself and what to do with those feelings.

I am also for hire 1:1, if you feel mentor coaching would help you on your journey.
You can send me a message on my website or Facebook.

PLEASE SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND HELP ME REACH MORE PEOPLE YOU THINK MIGHT BENEFIT FROM THIS.

I was reading an article called: Just Like My Mother: How We Inherit Our Parents’ Traits and Tragedies

This article speaks of a young woman that is Vietnamese. Here parents came from Vietnam.
They came from war, heartbreak and trauma of what happened to them when they escaped Vietnam.
They passed these wounds and trauma along to this young woman, their daughter.
Her parents were terrified of losing her and went to extremes to control their environment through fear, terror and anger.

One day, this young woman realized she had become her mother.

I am intrigued by this article because it is what I have learned and mentor others through when I mentor coach them.
It is what my 6 week course is about.

We inherit wounds from our parents, they inherited them from their parents and on down the line of generational trauma.
Each generation has passed it along to the next and the next and the next.
Usually, they don’t know they are doing it. It was given to them and they pass it along unconsciously.
Now, we have it and we have no idea WHY we do what we do or behave the way we do.

This is WHY it happens.
We are generationally wounded and, until now, we continued passing the wounds along to the next generations.
Maybe you are already familiar with this conversation. Possibly you’ve read or experienced the truth of this.

If this is the 1st time you’ve read anything about this, it is a BIG topic.
If you are now reading this, guess what?
We are the ones that get to break the cycle of this wounding, if you choose to.

Our parents or parental figure have their wounds from their parents. Often they are not aware of this wounding.
It is just how they are!!
Have you ever heard them say that: “It’s just how I am.”
Basically, they are saying: “This is how I am and I am not interested in changing or being different.”

This is okay. Doing something different can be scary.
We are the generation of information and enlightenment.

Therefore, it is our role NOW to HEAL these wounds.
It is our responsibility to BREAK the cycle of generational wounding.
By doing this transformational evolution, we light the way for others to follow.
Lighting the way can be BIG or simply BEING the example for others in our life to see and potentially follow.

This began when I learned about the inner child and how to begin the process of healing the deep wounds that permeated my world.

I recently read a story that touched me in a different way about the inner child.
This article spoke of a woman that was well put together. She looked beautiful on the outside.
On the inside, she was ‘dead’.
She was wounded and knew how to look good, but had no idea how to feel her feelings or deal with what was on the inside.

This auther asked her:
If you adopted a wounded, traumatized dog from the shelter, how would you treat it?
She said she would love it, care for it, feed it, nurture it and make it feel safe.
He then asked her: why would you not treat yourself the same way.
Technically, we are all animals, so why would you treat yourself, the wounded animal inside (the inner child) different?

I offer this to you as another way to view the woundedness that lives with you.

Will you consider treating yourself the way you’d treat a wounded animal, being able to see it as a part of your wounding?
How will you treat yourself going forward?

Please share with your friends and family.
Help me grow my audience exposure.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend and we were speaking of being numb or numbing out.

It has been a very long time since I have done this kind of thing.
However, I was present to the fact that so many people do things to NOT FEEL or NOT DEAL with ourselves or our life.
We act in ways that suppress, numb or avoid feeling what is truly happening inside of us.
Many of us cannot sit still or alone for fear of what we might feel or discover about ourselves when we are quiet and in solitude.

I remember doing this exact thing.
First of all, I was not taught HOW to feel.
I was told WHAT to feel and WHEN to feel it.

I taught myself coping skills to avoid feeling anything EXCEPT anger.
Anger is my default emotion and it still shows up today.
It is not as often as it was most of my life and I still default to anger when I get afraid or when I am not sure what I am feeling.
It happens when I am blindsided or feel backed into a corner.
It can happen when one of my triggers is activated by someone.

I use it to protect myself from what I am truly feeling.
I would consider anger a way to keep myself numb to feeling what is actually under the anger (I just realized this as I am writing).
I have been told anger is not an emotion or feeling.
It is a reaction and it always comes from a place of FEAR.

Other ways we may numb ourselves is:
food
drugs
alcohol
overbooking our calendars
filling every monent with something
T.V.
focusing on others
gossiping about them
work
creating drama
avoiding any confrontation
redirecting the conversation, so I don’t have to talk about my feelings
people pleasing

You get the idea, yes?

If you recognize you may do this kind of numbing behavior, what are you willing to do about it?

Here are some steps you can take to stop numbing and FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.

1. Recognize when your reacting with your default emotion: anger, shutting down, leaving, depression, fighting, avoidance tactics…
2. Give yourself permission to feel the feeling
3. Feel what is showing up under the default emotion: hurt, grief, unworthy, not feeling heard, feeling neglected, unloved…
4. Feel it and do nothing about it, yet.
5. Identify what the feeling is.
6. Acknowledge the feeling.
7. Allow yourself to let it go. (meaning, you don’t need to stay stuck in the feelings showing up).

These are some beginning steps to begin to feel what you are feeling past your default emotions.
They are tools to recognize what you are feeling.

I’ll write more about what to DO with them, if there is any action to be taken behind them.

Sometimes we need help to navigate through the muck and mire we’ve accumulated on the inside.
This where I can mentor coach you on your journey into loving yourself from the inside out.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT AND SHARE
I appreciate any co-creators on this path helping me reach more people and grow my audience.

I have come to know and understand that we are all programmed.
We are wounded generationally and are programmed based on those wounds, even if we are not obviously wounded, we are programmed.
I have not met anybody who is not wounded in some way.

We continue carrying the wounding and programming onto the next generation and the next and the next.
Until NOW, it is our time to reprogram and stop living in the shame based, not enough life we keep perpetuating from this programming.

Our parents were wounded, their parents were wounded, and their parents were wounded, ad infinitum….
Each generation carries its own wounding from parenting and cultural wounds.
These wounds get passed along generationally.
These parental wounds can be from emotional, physical, adoption, neglect, abuse, abandonment… You get the idea.
The cultural wounds come from the programming of buy more, take this drug, slavery, racism, poverty, separation, depression era…

How can they not be passed along through the generations?
They are given from our parents to us. Our parents received them from their parents.
In addition to the parental trauma, our culture has it’s own traumas that we also take on.

Our parents can only pass on what they knew, their parents can only pass along what they knew…
It is not anybody’s fault. It is simply what is so and how it happened. We don’t know anything different, until we do.
If we don’t do something different, we continue the cycle of trauma and wounding.

It is time for us to stop living from the shame and not enough programming.
It is time for us to take responsibility for our choices in life.
It is time for us to reprogram the trauma and programming that is NOT OURS to begin with.

These wounds and traumas are passed along unconsciously from generation to generation, until NOW.
There is NO FAULT. There is NO BLAME. There is NO SHAME.

The fault happens when we know it is not working and still do nothing to make it different.
It takes courage to look at ourselves and be willing to reprogram and heal the trauma inflicted.

You might be wondering how exactly do we do this healing and reprogramming.
UNDERSTAND these wounds and traumas are a byproduct of being human.
ACCEPT there is no one to blame, the programming is a function of being human.
BEGIN where you are and choose one thing you’d like to do different, the programming or belief you’d like to alter.
PICK ONLY ONE belief or behavior or thought you’d like to “change”.
Be MINDFUL of this choice and be AWARE of when it happens and consciously shift to the NEW PROGRAM/NEW THOUGHT/NEW BEHAVIOR.

Remember the incident that happened in July, the one where I was rocked to my core and began questioning ALL of myself, how I am and who I am.
The self-doubt continued to show itself so I could heal the deeper layers of shame and blame of not being good enough.
MY FIRST REACTION: I was PISSED OFF. I was HURT. I felt BETRAYED.

When I allowed those feelings to move out and the doubt continued to show up, I looked at it, I felt it, I acknowledged it.
Then, I REMINDED myself that person is acting out of her own wounding.
I have been triggered because of my own wounding and this is another opportunity to heal and let it go.

I asked myself “what do I need to feel solid, confident, secure…?
I kept reminding myself of ALL the evidence to the contrary of what that person had said to me.
I continued TRUSTING ALL the evidence that revealed to me I am okay.
I remembered I can RELY on me to be transparently authentic everywhere in my life.

I soothed the Little One that lives inside of me that needed to feel safe and secure.
I was reminded to give her what was needed and STOP buying into someone else’s wounding.

It was a process.
It works.
It takes discipline and commitment to stay the course.
It takes others to remind me to keep moving on the course.

What is ONE thing you’ll commit to doing different?

Please COMMENT AND SHARE!!!
HELP me grow my audience and reach more people.

Remember to check my website for dates of the current course: A Journey Into Loving Yourself From the Inside Out.
AND I am available for 1:1 coaching.

I was asked why am I getting married.
I said in my last post the main reason is because ‘I WANT TO”.
That is a true statement and I gave some other reasons in the last blog too.

I pondered this question, yet again, after posting I’M GETTING MARRIED.
As I was driving around, it occurred to me: I am getting married in 2 days and I am considering the WHY.

I am getting married to show the world my external expression of my internal world.

Marriage is recognition to you what he means to me on the inside.
I am telling the world I will do anything to thrive and be healthy with me, him and US.

Some of you reading this have known me for a while and you’ve seen my patterns and choices of 2 other marriages and subsequent relationships.

They all leaned toward the unhealthy more than the healthy, let alone, thriving.
I had no idea how to prosper and thrive in my own life, therefore, absolutely no clue how to thrive with someone else.

I am proud and honored to be MARRYING someone that is my best friend and confidant.
I am overjoyed at the prospect of spending my days with someone that loves life, living and growing in love and much as I do.

We also love our solitude and we know how to do it together and apart, which means we don’t take each other personally when we need to be in that place.

It is a beautiful experience to be announcing to THE WORLD through the statement of marriage; we are deepening our commitment and asking you to witness this and share in our joy.

Thank you for sharing the journey with us.

I am writing to share with you my EXCITEMENT.
We got our marriage license and we are getting married 9/9/2017.

It is so extraordinary to be sharing with you something that I only thought was a possibility for others.
I didn’t believe I was truly worthy of having the life I have today. I believed it was only possible for everyone else.

I get the BLESSING AND GIFT of marrying my best friend. I have called him my best friend for a while now as our dance has progressed and we have grown closer. NOW, I get to marry him. I feel like the symbology of marriage represents the deepening of our relationship and we get to share it with the world.

It’s this announcement that tells our community we are making a commitment and we are celebrating and asking you to witness our union. As you witness this union, we are creating and holding a space for all to grow in your own relationships.

Someone asked me why I am getting married. I have examined this question since we’ve been engaged. The biggest reason is I WANT TO MARRY MY BESTIE. I am telling the world this is the man I choose to spend my life with and go to any length to create a loving, thriving and healthy life together.

Most of my life has NOT been this way.

It has been a journey into loving myself from the inside out.
I got to learn how to love me, so I could love you.
I had nothing to offer as long as I was searching outside of me for my worth and value.

I didn’t know how to do it any other way, until I learned how to make the journey inside.
I got to learn how to heal the wounded animal that lives in me(the inner child).
I have reprogrammed the messages that were NEVER mine to begin with.
I get to be present everyday to who I am and know the journey is endless, which does not mean I AM NOT ENOUGH.
I accept that I am evolving and growing each and every day.

I have become a woman I had no idea I was or could be.
I only knew what I grew up with and was taught as a child.

Today, I can say I have healed many of the wounds and damage that caused me to look to you to feel okay.
I understand today that by healing my wounds, I break the cycle of the generational wounding that has been passed along.

I am a phoenix rising out of the ashes to be born anew.
I have been transformed and can now come to this relationship as a whole person.
I have chosen a whole person and together we get to create a marriage that looks like no other either of us have experienced before.

We choose each other from a place of whole and complete and create a new whole and complete marriage where we are interdependent with each other.
We continue each day growing and expanding independently and together.
We reflect our BEST to each other and bring our BEST to the world.
We get to continue learning how to love deeper than we ever knew possible.
AND we get to share it with each other and be a living example in the world.

What a blessing and a gift.
I am grateful I get the privilege and honor of sharing with you.

THANK YOU!

PLEASE SHARE AND LEAVE A COMMENT.

Remember, I am for hire:
group mentoring
one on one coaching

I have been noticing lately that each time I feel like I am making progress on the road to recovery from the latest relationship betrayal, something else shows up that feels like a set back.

I’ve been writing in previous blogs about a situation that no matter how many right things I did in that relationship, it still, ultimately, wasn’t good enough.
I have come to realize that no matter what it was, it was NEVER going to be good enough in their eyes. If it hadn’t been what happened, something else would have been not good enough, because that is their pattern.

The fallout of this kind of DEEP wound trigger is I am currently waiting for the other shoe to drop from someone else around me.
This struck a DEEP wound for me. It is a lifetime of programming of not being good enough; from parenting to culture to self-inflicted habits.

Healing is happening. This programming of not being good enough is on overdrive at the moment though.

This is what you need to know, I will find whatever evidence I am looking for.
No matter what someone says, I can make it mean “I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.

They may have given me a compliment and my programming CAN kick in and make it mean “I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.
Instead of hearing the actual words, I get caught in the pattern repeating all the ways I’m not good enough. My programming will tweak it to be something completely different than what they said or meant.

For example, I was critiqued on a video I made. It was so much better than the 1st two I made. (Did you catch that? It is video #3)
The person offering the feedback felt something was still missing and a few other things.
She also acknowledged how much better it was and gave her impression of my delivery.

I’m doing these particular videos to receive this kind of feedback to improve my delivery of my personal message. This was the 3rd time and I am expecting “perfection”.

Now, I am pissed off because it is still NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I gave her feedback meaning based on my programming from my past.

No matter what she said, I would have found something to validate the deep wound of I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

It feels like I am just getting some healing and traction on the way out of the pit of that wound and someone else says something that I gave the same meaning to. This keeps me in the cycle of that repetitive programming.

Can you see the endless cycle?
Can you see how it relates to what I said in the beginning about the other person would have found another thing that wasn’t good enough?
I’m doing the same thing to myself.

Here is some things I am doing different NOW:
1- Hear the words for what they are.
2- Know that people have their own programming too (she is critiquing based on her perception).
3- Take it as information ONLY.
4- Consider if I can see or hear what she is seeing and hearing.
5- Understand the deeper wound is triggered and I don’t have to interpret from the wound.
6- Shift my focus to look for evidence that supports THE TRUTH about me.

The truth is:

I AM GOOD ENOUGH
I AM MAKING PROGRESS
I AM HEALING
I AM LOVED

What is the truth about you?

PLEASE COMMENT AND SHARE

Some days I am so sick and tired of feeling, ONE MORE TIME, like I’m not good enough.
This belief and pattern has permeated my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.

There are many days and weeks that I don’t experience this belief, but every once in a while it rears its head yet AGAIN.

If you remember a few weeks ago I was sharing about a situation that happened that truly rocked me to my core. It created a place of me questioning myself, who I am and how I show up in the world.

As it goes in the Universe, when I am being mindful and paying attention, I have people all around me saying something very affirming, which is different than that belief of “I’m not good enough”. The evidence and reminders that I am good enough.

Then, something else trips me up.

I made a video telling my story and was critiqued on it. The point of doing the video in this particular group is to get the feedback and training to make a video that is compelling and inspiring. I did it to get the guidance to do it most effectively.

Instead, I interpreted the critique as:
I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I DIDN’T DO IT RIGHT… (it wasn’t perfect the first or second time)

REMEMBER, I joined this group to learn how to be a better storyteller on video.
I joined this group of other professionals to receive the feedback to help me grow and be most effective.

Yet, I still perceived it as criticism and I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH…

This is not THE TRUTH about me. The truth is I AM ABSOLUTELY GOOD ENOUGH.
I am continuing to grow and learn how to project myself on video.
This is a big freaking deal, coming from someone that lived most of my life trying to be a wall-flower.

The point is:
I am good enough.
I am learning a new skill.
I am growing a new public (on video) speaking muscle.

Nobody ever said this life of being human would be easy.
Nobody ever said I would have zero challenges.

However, somewhere along the way, I was given the belief that criticism is the way to help me become a better person. NOT…

Through the criticism came the beliefs of:
I’m not good enough.
I’m not lovable.
I must get it right the first time every time.
I’m not worthy.
Add your own to the list….

It has taken some time to undo these beliefs. Even though I live in a different space more often than not today, they still show up.

The payoff of being mindful, disciplined and committed to reprogramming these beliefs is I have a lot of tools to utilize to bring me out of that funky place. Today, instead of weeks or months spent on the rat wheel of “I’m not good enough”, I can choose to use my tools and get off much sooner.

It truly is a choice today. It can still take time.
Let’s be totally honest here, it still takes way longer than I like or want, because I would love to NEVER have to go here again.
However, what I know is life is a process.
We are never done.
We never arrive or graduate.

We do get to places of being able to deal with life gracefully and mindfully.
When we are thrown a curve ball we can choose how to deal with it or not.
We get to be responsible for how we show up in our lives today.

One more nugget on the journey into loving yourself from the inside out.

PLEASE COMMENT, LIKE AND SHARE.
How do you relate to this?

I had a conversation with someone a few days ago and I truly got a mirror image of how I used to behave when I was actively participating in my people pleasing behaviors.

I got to measure how far I have grown as a result of this interaction.
It certainly DOES NOT mean I NEVER do this anymore. Every once in a while something will happen, I react to the situation and fall prey to my own people pleasing tendencies.

Here is what I mean by people pleasing, in this instance:
~Based on how I THINK you perceive me, I will say whatever I have to say in order to have you like me.
~I have no sense of self, so I must make you like me so I feel okay with me.
~I will say ANYTHING to keep the peace between us.

There are many ways this people pleasing behavior can show up in our lives. This is one of them.

During this conversation with them, I witnessed the vascillation within the story. One sentence was about what happened and why it happened the way it did. Then, they’d realize how I might have interpreted what they said and change it to be a way they thought would make me feel more comfortable.

This happened several times within this one conversation. It was amazing to see it from the perspective of how I used to behave in my life every single day. Today, I don’t actually live in that space.

I reflected on this conversation and saw how I have lived most of my life. I wasn’t honest because I didn’t know how to be. I was too busy attempting to make sure you still liked me, so I’d change the story based on how I THOUGHT you perceived what I was saying. The crazy part was I couldn’t see I’d changed it mid stream, even though I’d do it right smack in the middle of the sentence.

I was so busy in my head trying to figure out what you were thinking of me based on what I was saying that I was NOT PRESENT to the moment, nor was I truly listening to what you were saying. I was too busy figuring out the next thing to say to stay in your good graces.

THIS WAS EXHAUSTING!!!

The next time we speak now I must remember what BS I told you which time, so I can continue that vein of making sure you still liked me based on the story of that day.

Endless cycles of exhaustion and running on empty. I didn’t know any other way to do it then.

One of the first things you can do on this journey is learn to listen.
Actively listen, fully present and without formulating a response.
When we listen fully present, it creates a space for others to enter and share who they are with you.
Rather than share an opinion, ask more questions. Get curious and ask more about them.
This will keep you out of the people pleasing for a moment and you’ll discover more about them.

This is one solution to go deeper into your journey or simply begin.

Are you a people pleaser?
How does it show up in your world?
PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT AND SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

Today I am wondering what to write about.
I have no drama in my life at this moment, so I am wondering what I have to say.

I decided to write about manufacturing drama. It is something I did for much of my life.
When there was nothing happening or nothing “wrong”, I would go looking for something to “FIX” about me or you.

I was uncomfortable when I felt content and like nothing was stirred up.
I didn’t really know how to function in the space of NO DRAMA!

I’m certain you know people like this or possibly you’ve done this too.
Maybe you didn’t even know you were doing it or why you were doing it.

When I was manufacturing problems, it was because I felt broken and there was ALWAYS something to fix about me.
If there was nothing I would search inside, if I found nothing, I made something up.
The result was I lived in a state of chaos, drama/trauma. I thrived on the stress of drama.
It is an endless, non-productive cycle that left me in a state of living on adrenaline.
When I would stop, I would crash and burn from pure exhaustion.

This is what I’ve learned:
I was not comfortable with nothing to fix.
I was addicted to the drama and the chemical reaction it produced in my body .
When it wasn’t my own drama happening and I stopped making my own problems, I would focus on someone else’s seeming problem. (Basically, I would sit in judgement and gossip about how they needed to behave.)
I was not okay being okay.
Feeling content was not a normal state for me.

As I got comfortable being with myself, I stopped manufacturing problems for the sake of keeping the drama alive.
When I stopped manufacturing problems, I got to refocus on living my purpose and delivering my message here in this life.

I get to focus on writing and creating a business that is an expression of who I am.
I get to coach and mentor people on their journey into loving themselves from the inside out.
I get to be HAPPY WITH WHO I AM TODAY.

Feel free to reach out and contact me, I would love to coach you on your journey.

How do you relate to this topic?
PLEASE share in the comments or on Facebook.

I can tell you most of my life was spent living in self-doubt.
I’ve healed A LOT of wounds in my life and transformed MUCH of the damage.

It has been quite the journey. I live mostly in a place of self-love and confidence today.

However, every once in a while life throws me a curveball and shakes me to my core.
My dad died last year and I lived in the grief and anger for a number of months, but I was not shaken to my core the way I have been now.
I had a person I thought was my friend and confidant inform me that what I had done for them was NOT ENOUGH. I, also, was told I was disrespectful and I used them. This is the readers digest version of the whole litany of how what I had done made them feel. (I am using they and them to remain confidential about the WHO.)

I strive every single day of my life to be authentically transparent in my world and my interactions with the people in it.
This incident ROCKED me to my core.

Have you ever experienced something like this happening?

As a result, I have doubted and questioned myself, who I am and how I show up in the world.
Am I really authentically transparent?
Do I truly live the way I think I do in my life?

Each day, I can feel the doubt creeping into my consciousness. It’s been the APP running in the background of my life these last few weeks since the conversation.
I can see the effect coming out sideways in my behavior and reaction to things happening around me. I’m taking things personal, I’m doubting that I’m showing up the way I perceive myself showing up.

I can see both sides of the circumstance. I can understand how they felt the way they did. I can see the opportunity of deeper layers of healing for me and the little one that lives inside me.

I get ALL THE LOGIC of it. However, LOGIC NEVER TRUMPS FEELINGS.
I can still feel the doubt creeping in. It is a lesser degree today and it is still showing up.

Here is what I’ve been doing to MOVE FORWARD:

I KEEP SHOWING UP IN MY LIFE.
I DO WHAT I COMMITTED TO DOING.
I CONTINUE WRITING AND SHARING WITH YOU.
I DO THE THINGS THAT SCARE ME OR I’M AFRAID OF DOING.
I TRUST THE EVIDENCE THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

What do you do when this happens in your life?

I’ve been contemplating what today’s topic ought to be.

I listened to a recording from my coach. He was interviewing someone and she was super passionate and inspiring about her busines.
I was inspired by her inspiration to speak to mine and your WHY.

We come here as human beings and we’re up to something. I’m not sure most of us know what that is.
Do you know what your purpose is?
What inpsires you to get out of bed every morning and do what you do?

When we know our why, we live from inspiration. We live from a place of wanting to get up and participate in the day ahead.
We live even more fulfilled when we remember WHY we are here, doing what we are doing, especially when life happens and we get off track.

When I am present and plugged into my why, I am happier and more passionate everywhere in my life.

My purpose in life: I am a healer. I knew this from a very young age. When someone (especially animals) was hurt, I was there trying to heal them, either with words or hands on healing. Even my career type jobs have been around healing.

Today my why has evolved from mostly physical healing into this: I am here to heal the world through mentor coaching others on their journey into loving themselves from the inside out.
I realize today that how I am with me is how I am with you. If I am kind to me, I am kinder to you. When I am loving me, I am loving you and life more completely.

I am here to live authentically transparent EVERYWHERE in my world, which leads to being an example for anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Do you know what your WHY is?
What makes your heart sing and gives you butterflies in your tummy?

This usually is a clue to WHY you are here.

Please LEAVE a comment and share your why.

I decided to clear my space by cancelling a call I had scheduled. I cancelled because I was not in a good space to have a conversation with ‘this person’. I didn’t know if I could be kind when I still felt hurt by our last conversation. I also didn’t feel safe to enter into a dialogue with ‘this person’.

I called someone I trust to run this by her, because I was still having some doubts in myself. She reminded me to listen to my heart and it was good to honor myself and where I am at in this process. I am continuing to honor my own journey into loving myself from the inside out.

My friend said to me she wondered what would open up and shift as a result of opening my space by cancelling the call.

Well, the very next day…

3 things happened because I trusted my friend and listened to her remind me to trust myself.

1) The first thing was during a conversation with another friend. She was reminding me of my own greatness and the difference I’ve made in her world and others. In essence, she was giving me back my own medicine.
During this conversation I experienced a visual of ‘this person’ I felt so hurt by becoming my parent. It was the deeper layers of hurt and criticsm rising to the surface to be healed.
Intellectually I knew it was NOT about ‘this person’, but until I could fully see or feel it in my bones, I still felt angry and blamed ‘this person’. They simply had a different face than my parents.

2) I was listening to someone speak about relapsing. As I listened I had this “AHA” moment, I relapse on my RAGE AND ANGER. I understand the emotion of anger. The relapse is the intense deep RED RAGE I feel and I have no control over it. I just become an ass hole and it comes out sideways.
Now I can catch the cues that the anger is there simmering under the surface and I can take care of it BEFORE it erupts.

3) Another person was speaking about taking her own inventory. DING DING DING.
I realized (and had a visual) that ‘this person’ dumped her shit in my hula hoop on my side of the street. I NOT ONLY stepped in the shit, I picked it up and smelled and, then, smeared it all over myself and wore it like a badge of honor.
I made sure to take a shower and wash it all off.

The point of all of this is to HONOR YOUR PROCESS. If you’re not sure of what to do or how to handle something, speak to someone you trust to guide you.

Those 3 insights on the same day, what an extraordinary occurence.
As a result, I have experienced deeper layers of healing the little one that lives inside me.
I can let go of the blame, anger and victim mentality now.
I get to remember:

I AM ENOUGH.

I have been in my stuff around this life circumstance that happenend a few weeks ago.
I keep processing and feeling the hurt and anger. I realize I am grieving the loss of a person I respected and honored.
The relationship will never be the same.

Today, I have become willing to look in the mirror and inquire about what I see.
I am quick to anger when I feel hurt. I think it will protect me from feeling the pain.
We each have our own mechanism that gets triggered when life happens. (I’m referring to the triggers that cause us pain.)

When the pain is touched, we react in a way that is familiar and comfortable. It is often unconcious, we may only know we are reacting in that familiar comfortable way. What we may not understand is the reaction is happening to protect me from feeling the pain that was touched.

If we can move beyond the reaction and feel the pain behind it, we have an opportunity to heal.
My anger is always protecting me from feeling the hurt. Today I can look past the anger and know that I am hurt.
Anger is my default emotion. It is how I react when I am deeply hurt now.
It is significantly less often today, but when it is a deep wound and that deeper layer gets touched, it reminds me it is still there protecting me from feeling the pain.

Today, I can look at the pain. I can allow myself to feel it. It does not mean I like it or enjoy feeling it.
It means I am willing because I know this is how I get to heal it.

The pain that was triggered for me ONE MORE TIME was “NO MATTER HOW MUCH GOOD I HAVE DONE, IT IS NEVER ENOUGH!!!”
All at once, I was the little kid in trouble for not living up to someone else’s expectations.

As a result, I have run the gammut of emotions. I have doubted and questioned myself all over again. I have been pissed at myself for feeling hurt, for feeling angry, for feeling sad. I get to give myself permission to FEEL IT ALL.

I get to console the little child that still lives inside of me. I get to be the one that helps her move beyond the pain and heal.
I get give love to myself as the salve that heals the wounding from so long ago.

This is progress. I choose to live moving forward and healing the wounds that are revealed and still require healing.
There is nothing we can do until we are willing to acknowledge the pain behind the protective barrier that shows up in our behaviors.

What is your behavior that is protecting your pain?
What are you willing to do to heal the pain?

After my outburst of anger last week I realized this is my modus operandi.
I’d rather be mad than sad. Mad is a driver and I am comfortable being angry. It is what I know very well, since I operated from mad and I lived in mad in my house growing up, it is familiar and I know how to be mad.
Sad, on the other hand, is Eeyore to me. Dreary and depressive and I don’t particularly like being there. The flip side of the anger in my house was the message “if you’re going to cry, I’m going to give you something to cry about.” Therefore, I am uncomfortable being or feeling sadness or grief.

When I am hurting or grieving I default to mad. The anger is familiar and comfortable.
It happened last year when my dad died. I was angry for months. Once I moved through the anger, I could allow myself to be sad and cry over my dad’s death.

Anger is the protector of the hurt and sad. I did not know why this was happening for most of my life. I spent most of the early years into my 20’s stuffing the anger. Then, when I’d drink I’d experience outbursts of RAGE. When I stopped drinking, I had no idea I was so deeply angry and when I actually felt it, it terrified me that I could be that angry.

After 20+ years of sobriety, I still experience anger as my comfortable default emotion. It is much less often that I participate in this anger, but it still shows up to remind me I have more healing and transformation around this kind of pain.

This latest situation that occurred in my life revealed one more layer requiring deeper healing. When I had my raging outburst last Friday(the last blog), I finally clued in that there is grieving to do around the loss of a friendship. Once I had the ourburst of anger, it allowed the energy of anger to clear out and now I can feel the sadness I was avoiding.

Most of us have some default emotion or behavior we engage in to protect us from feeling the pain we are avoiding.
Many don’t know or realize this is what we are doing. It is simply how we are. When we take the time to examine what is behind the behavior (anger, for me) it is always something we don’t want or like to feel.

All of this progress is a process we actively practice and engage in, otherwise, we simply continue operating in ways that may not be very effective in our relationships.

Do you know what your M.O. is?
Please share in the comments.

I went to the post office to mail a package. I forgot my phone at home, I realize that, but forgot it had the address I needed.

Once I realize I don’t have the address, I am instantly outraged. I am ready to go COMPLETELY POSTAL (on myself). I get in the car and begin cussing myself out for being so stupid. It’s okay, no one can hear me. ONLY ME. ONLY THE LITTLE ONE that lives inside of me. She’s cowering in the corner somewhere until I’m done cussing myself out.

I’m still doing it as I write this post. My fingers get dyslexic and I continue screaming at myself. It’s a litany of bull shit I have heard over the years. How can you be so stupid? How did you forget the address? I took time out to go to the PO, only to realize I didn’t have what I needed. Amidst all my screaming at me, my language is laced with as many swear words as I can muster and even those aren’t strong enough.

I’ve been noticing some anger bubbling to the surface, since a person I thought I was exempt from certain behaviors from blasted me a couple weeks ago. (see EXPECTATIONS AND EXEMPTIONS). The symptoms of anger for me are I hear myself saying the “F” word quite frequently over little stuff. When I clue in, my “F”  bombs are warnings that my anger is surfacing.  You see, I thought I was special unique and different in this relationship. I thought we were close and confided in each other. I thought I was ABOVE being treated that way, even though I had heard her speak of many others the same way.

My anger finally erupted today over something seemingly small. So what, I forgot my phone. I only live 5 minutes from the PO.

In the 5 minute drive home, I begin asking myself why I am so angry over this situation?

I AM NOT REALLY ANGRY ABOUT EITHER SITUATION.

I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF.

I am angry because I didn’t see it coming a couple weeks ago, even though the evidence was VERY CLEAR throughout our relationsip.

I am angry at myself for taking it so personal. Logic says it is another opportunity to grow, which I am a fan of. However, I don’t always enjoy the process.

I also realized we both thought we were special. And her interpretation of the gift and lack of public recognition made her feel small and unimportant. (this is my interpretation). How I think I treated her and her perception of it are very different.

This is human-ness at its finest. We all have perceptions and interpretations of how we are and how others are. When we get triggered by something it is an opportunity to look at ourselves and how we think we are showing up.

The bottom line is: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS RIGHT!!!!!

Given our perception and interpretation of our world each one of us is absolutely RIGHT.

Here is the ever cliche question: Do I have to make you wrong, so I can be right? Can I simply allow us to have differing opinions and accept we are each right given our experience of the world?

It doesn’t matter that I think what she said to me is complete BS. It is her opinion (her truth) about how she felt as a result of my behavior.

I can’t change it, but now maybe I can move on. Thanks for listening to my eruption and process of another layer of my anger.

How do you deal with people that have different perceptions of you than your own perception?

 

I am coaching and mentoring people on this journey of loving yourself from the inside out and sometimes I think I ought to be above the emotional relapse AND the same old TAPE that keeps running.

This one is about my weight. I am SUPER self-conscious about my weight. Growing up I weighed 125 pounds at 5’9″. I was tall and skinny.
Around 30 I gradually started gaining, as many do. I have leveled off and been the same weight for many years now. Today I am a size 10/12, which is not big.

However, I am not in what I would call healthy shape.

I am vigilant about my spiritual health and my emotional balance, but when it comes to actually doing something about my physical condition, like exercising, I pay it lip service. I am active in my life, but there is no consistent exercise program going on.

This also lends to my mission and passion about loving myself from the inside out. My physical health is one more way to be loving to me.

Logic tells me I am not that big. I went shopping yesterday and put on some spanx (which I have NEVER WORN before). I looked like the goddess symbol- you know the one with big curves and a ROUND BELLY.

Maybe it is simply my perception of myself, since I was skinny growing up. Mayber there could be some truth to how I see myself.

I am looking at this consistent pattern that shows up when I am feeling raw and vulnerable, I begin torturing myself about how I THINK I look. Then, I match my feelings to my perception. This is NOT GOOD for me.

I can see the pattern, it is repetitive. Somewhere in my life something happened or was said and I made it mine. It has become my voice in my head, even though, it belongs to someone else.

I am sharing with you mostly because I RARELY talk about this with anyone. I decided it is time, because I KNOW I am not the only one that struggles with this.

Here are the steps I am doing right now:
1- I am simply noticing and allowing myself to feel the feelings
( I promise, I was NOT doing this prior to writing and sharing)
2- I am giving myself permission to feel these feelings
3- I am observing what is showing up, I know more will be revealed
4- I am having some compassion for myself, trusting I will know when I know.
5- I am deciding what action to take to be proactive in my exercising.

Was this helpful?
How do you relate?

PLEASE BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!!

I have come to realize that I thought I was exempt from certain behaviors of someone I called a friend and mentor. In my interaction with her, I listened to her speak of others in what I called informative ways (today I might call it gossipy). These conversations were not always nice in content. I listened and rolled with it. I listened to her perception of situations that occurred in her world. I heard how she spoke of others and her thoughts and interpretations about how they treated her.

All the while, thinking I am someone special. I’ve become somewhat of a confidant. I have come to realize it doesn’t matter what I think. What happened revealed I am none of that.

Today, I can see I am simply another one in the stream of her life. I have become the same as the people she spoke to me of. I am not special. I am not expempt from this behavior. I got lumped into the same category as everyone else when I pushed the right button.

I thought my communication was clean and clear. In my mind, I had been respectful. I had acknowledged what she means and how she helped me. I had given her gifts of appreciation along the way.

In my mind, our relationship was special and different. I was special, because she confided in me. Well, that may have been true, until I pushed the pain button others had pushed. AND I didn’t even know I pushed it.

Then, I am told I was completely disrespectful. I used her. And a whole litany of other stuff that left me feeling like a piece of shit.

My own button is the one of: I didn’t do it right. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t do enough. It must be my fault and I must have done something wrong, since she is my mentor. If it is all my fault, I can fix it…

Until she told me her “truth”, I didn’t even know I had done something “wrong”.

I was honored and proud of what I had done. I gave a gift that I put A LOT of thought and consideration, only to be told it wasn’t good enough….

I grew up thinking I was exempt from certain behaviors from people. They were confiding in me. They don’t do these things to me. I am special to them and we have a different relationship.

This is NOT TRUE. When I push the same hot button, I receive the same treatment. I am not exempt from their behaviors. I touched something that caused her pain. It is probably a VERY OLD deep wound that has not healed.

She touched a deeper layer of my pain of the same old story about “I’m not good enough”….

Logic tells me it is her issue. My heart says this sucks and it is painful.

What is causing me pain is my attachment to what I thought our relationship meant. It is the grief over the loss of someone I thought was my friend and well as my mentor.

I don’t know where our relationship will go from here. I am continuing to recover from the shock and pain I feel.

Truly, I want to lash out and just cut her out of my life. I know that this kind of situation will happen again if I don’t heal the pain that is here to be healed.

This is the cycle of relationships. We continue creating the same kind of relationships over and over, until the original pain is healed.

 

Article One;

Article Two;

Article Three