I hung up feeling very abused and beat up. Some of the familiar dialogue showed up in my head about “what did I do wrong?” “what could I have done different?” AND replaying the litany of the blaming me game… 4Dec2019
I hung up feeling very abused and beat up. Some of the familiar dialogue showed up in my head about “what did I do wrong?” “what could I have done different?” AND replaying the litany of the blaming me game… 4Dec2019
When you said it ‘s easier not to ask for help, it made me examine that in myself. Sometimes I just don’t know who to ask, so it’s easier not to search for someone competent. (We have paid for help before that only helped with the easy questions, but not the hard questions.) Often, for me, it isn’t that it’s easier not to ask, it’s just less painful. As long as I don’t ask for help, I can pretend that maybe I am smart enough. I’m actually afraid that if I do ask, but don’t understand, then that’s proof that I’m really not as smart as I hope I am.
You also said, in regard to not understanding something that was supposed to be “user-friendly’, that you “felt stupid and inadequate when I do this”. I have the same response. I too wouldn’t try something as a child if I thought I couldn’t do it perfectly, or win first place. I was afraid of not measuring up to my parent’s expectations or to my older siblings who who were very smart. What I didn’t realize was that I had no idea how smart they were at my age.
As a senior in high school, I sometimes didn’t turn in work in honors English because my sister had had the same, very exacting, teacher and got A’s from her all year. Mrs. Vanderbilt finally took me aside and told me that any grade was better than a zero for my GPA, and she let me turn in the work late. I was shocked and SO relieved to see A’s for my work, but because it was late she took off a letter grade. I’m so grateful to her for giving me the chance to see my potential. She had framed “success” by comparing it to zero, and that gave me courage. Even after that helpful experience, I still continued to tally my “failures” 100% of the time and the “successes” or “wins” at a much, much lower rate. To me, and seemingly my parents, the only grade that was praiseworthy was an A.
I felt harshly and unfairly judged by my parents as a kid, so I learned to judge myself harshly and unfairly, and then I perfected that into adulthood. I am finally learning to be kind to myself and to realize that my parents’ goal was to teach me to do my very best…however unskilled they were in their methods. I realized that I was only counting the “proof” of my ignorance or lack of talent when I did not measure up to expectations. I did not count the proof of the times I had done well, or times that I received a medal for 2nd or 3rd place. I wish someone had taught me that simply competing in sports and putting honest effort into homework or chores was something to put in the “win” column. Showing up is a success in itself. Seeing something to fruition is a series of many small successes, as well as some “failures”. Success is defined as “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose”. Getting an A may be the highest success by one standard, but learning and putting that education to use is the ultimate success of a student. Many people with good grades have no idea how to apply that in the real world, and many without a single trophy, medal, or ribbon have learned the lessons of hard work, persistence in the face of “failure”, as well as working well with other and team spirit, by simply showing up and doing the work. Those are the real rewards and successes in life.